This post is part 5 in a series.  If you haven’t read parts 1-4, click here.


“you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me” – taylor swift

My grandparents own a cabin up Big Cottonwood Canyon where I found myself hanging out during the summers when I was little.  It is the perfect little getaway and so on Thursday of Fall Break I got a group of friends together to spend the night.  I invited Kyle, but he said he already had plans.  I didn’t think anything of it because we had just started hanging out and I wasn’t going to expect him to hang out with me at every moment (although I wouldn’t have been opposed to it).

Before we left I sent a text to my friend Taylor (who went to high school with Kyle) and said “I think I’m really starting to like Kyle”.  A few hours had passed and I got a phone call from Taylor…..and this is where the drama begins.

Taylor began to tell me that she had talked to Kyle about me when I had sent her the text to feel things out.  And then she said it…..the news that I really wasn’t expecting.  The news I didn’t want to hear.  The news that I didn’t think I would be hearing.  Kyle had a girlfriend.  A WHAT? Are you serious? How? We had spent almost everyday together the last week, where was his girlfriend? I felt confused.  I felt annoyed.  I felt sad.  I felt annoyed that I felt sad.  It was one of those moments where you are so confused and so blown away that you aren’t sure how you feel.

When I finally realized what had happened, I stumbled out the words “What? Who is his girlfriend?” Taylor went on to tell me that he was dating some girl he met at the U.  “But he has been hanging out with me everyday! Was that really just to set me up with Mike?” I was trying to grasp on to anything I could.  Any reason that this couldn’t be real, but the thing about grasping onto what you can, is that is when you realize how you really feel.  I had no idea I felt this way until it hit me.  I had told Taylor, “I THINK I’m STARTING to like Kyle.” If I had just “started” to or I “thought” I did, there is no way that this would’ve hit me this hard.  That’s when I realized it.  I liked him.  A lot. And he was dating someone else.  Some girl who had been in Hawaii on a vacation for the last week while he was hanging out with me everyday.  

I hung up with Taylor and told myself that I would not be texting him again.  If he wanted to hang out with me, he could text me.  If he wanted to see what I was up to, he could reach out.  Maybe I had made up everything in my head.  Maybe I was lying to myself this whole time.  Maybe he really had just been being nice and helping set me up with Mike.  It all made sense and I had built it up in my head.  Yup….that’s what happened.  And maybe if I told it to myself enough times, I’d start to believe it.  But the thing with telling yourself something over and over again, is that it was always the news I wanted to hear.   

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